Bad Customer Service

Customer service week is the first week of October. Now you have time to plan ahead just like shopping for Christmas in July.

Customer Service Week is an international celebration of the importance of customer service. The reason for its importance is to recognize all employees who serve the public on a daily basis.

It is easy to observe when shopping how bad customers trat those employees who have one of the hardest jobs in society. This is doubly so those poorly paid and having extensive long hours on weekends and holidays away from their families in retail serving the public which many times is rude, hateful, disgusting, impatient, vulgar and have to be tolerated to keep their jobs.

I spent many years on the other side of the counter in several businesses. It is a tough job that can turn your hair gray, give you ulcers and in general make you dislike people.

 

Rebel

So cut off that answering machine. It is just a nuisance and time consuming to answer and reply to inquiries.

If you have double entry doors be sure to lock the opposite one and have fun watching your customers trying to leave running into the locked door. Be sure to play irritating music sounds so they will have a nervous breakdown while in your place of business.

Don’t smile as that would make you look weak. If more than one person at a time comes to the cash register to pay, be sure to walk-off on your lunch break.

Have a six-year-old remove the price tags off all the merchandise so the customer has to ask how much is this. Play hide and seek and walk away if you see a customer headed toward you.

There is always another isle to turn into and disappear. I am sure you can think of many more irritants to share with those special customers.

Management if you are really paying attention you should give all your employees a fully paid vacation out of the country the first week of October. Then tell those irritating customers that if they find any of your employees that week you will give them $1,000,000 under the condition they buy over $100 in merchandise that week to enter the contest. Win-Win.

I know you are wondering who will provide the needed customer service that week for your business. Simple.

Look around the outside of your business and get the first couple of people you see to wait on your customers that week. Maybe call-in a couple of your worst customers to help.

Be sure to pay them cash … lots of cash. It’s pay-back time.

 

Government Service Week

What a customer service role model for business and the country. Of course the government has to jump on the customer service bandwagon.

The politicians know if they do join you will vote for them. Right?

In 1992 Congress proclaimed Customer Service Week a national honored event. The business Customer Service Group (https://wp.customerservicegroup.com) provides how-to information, celebration materials, and complete packages.

But this will save you lots of money because you do not need to buy the materials since your employees are vacationing in the Bahamas on you.

 

What It Means to be a Customer

Customers give customer service a BAD name. All we want is their money.

Business would be more fun without them. Who needs all the aggravation anyway.

I know from experience that customers are lazy. So lazy I used to say that customers would drive up to the cash register if they could.

It would work better if they drove up to the drive-through window, gave us their money, and just drove off. It would make all our days a lot easier.

Maybe businesses should pay customers to come in and shop. That would increase traffic flow and make us look like we are really busy.

You say this is silly. Okay then why do you not stop and drive past a restaurant if there are no cars out front?

There are different types of customers. They come in all shapes and sizes like lookers (we need to ignore these and get them out as soon as possible), shoppers (maybe let them stay a little while if they have any goods in their hand or basket) and buyers whom we love that come in pick-up what they want, pay and leave.

Now that is business efficiency without all the personal niceties. Remember the customer cannot break you if you have lots of money.

More importantly the customer is always wrong. Just smile and ignore what they are saying and forget it.

 

Teach Customer Service

It is doing unto them before they do unto us. Do we look like a complaint center?

Ask the customer why they even bothered to get up this morning, tell them they look like they are having a bad day and be sure to ask about their weight and how much money they have left in their bank account. Now that is personal service in a caring way.

And all this time you were thinking being relevant to your customer was good customer service. Making sure your customer is happy and satisfied with the product and service provided will go a long way.

Actually customers are out-of-date. You should allow them to mail their money into you.

Customer complaints can always be recorded by your excellent customer service announcement recording machine. After all it deletes all messages after the customer hangs up.

You see the customer does not rule like they did in the past. They are lucky to get anything and should be grateful for nothing.

When training your employees to give excellent customer service be sure to include a safety and survival course, concealed handgun license, martial arts training, course in how to stalk a customer who might steal, daily plans for moving around hidden cameras, especially in the bathrooms and changing rooms. You can’t be too careful now days.

 

Value of Customer Service

You know that customers will talk and tell others by word of mouth. So don’t let the customer leave the business.

Many customers love to share something about their experience and we don’t want any rumors floating around. Silence is golden especially coming from a customer.

Have your face recognition spyware take a picture of all unhappy customers before  they leave and post it on the media. Then anything they might say is already discredited ahead of time and you have beat them to the punch.

I found this article timely on customer service today because I was shopping in a business that sold electronics and only electronics. A young salesperson came over to me and asked what brings you in today?

I replied that I am interested in buying a canoe. They weren’t sure and responded I’ll check on that for you and be right back.

Hope you have learned the great value of a customer. Zero …

 

 

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